I was
shaking and moving it with an Anushka (Sharma or Shetty, don't remember), when
somebody who was the President of the International Imbecile and Moron
Association (IIMA) flung a newspaper wrapped around a shoe. At my head. A head
that was throbbing from an over-hung headache and supported a pair of bleary,
fermentation-ridden eyes.
I woke
up. It was ghastly.
Ghastly
is the mildest description available. Imagine a troll standing in front of you
wearing knickers/shorts and a vest with a grimace painted across his face, like
he just swallowed a piece of bubble-gum that turned out to be bitter gourd
pickle. Yeah, that. Add a couple of props, like a tennis racquet and a pair of
shoes. And an unwashed shirt.
Flinging
my veil of stupor, I sat up and rubbed my eyes. My roommate was still standing
there, brandishing his racquet. I said the only four letters I could manage.
"Dude".
He
opened his vocal chords and proceeded to rape my ears, brain and a passing dove
in that order.
"THE
MAID DID NOT COME TODAY TOO! WHAT DOES SHE THINK OF HERSELF! IT IS YOUR MIS..."
I went
to my happy place and waited until the storm passed. It was not quite long
before I knew what he wanted me to say.
"You
want me to fire the maid."
"Yes"
I
gulped a glass of imaginary horlicks and stood up, arming myself with a pair of
argumentative bazookas,
"Where
is she? I will fire her this minute."
Now
this followed a period of silence during which the raped dove, yelled a few
choice words in dove language and Guru Ramdev executed a perfect headstand to a
standing ovation. Gas bellowed from my roommates ears and I stood nonplussed.
"I
JUST TOLD YOU SHE DID NOT COME TODAY!"
"Oh."
Sheepish.
Dumb. I snuggled back under the covers, murmuring 'Mmmms' and 'Okokokokok' etc.
The
next day, she came. I opened the door and she went about her work as lackluster
as possible. In fact, she was content restricting herself to the kitchen. I
blew my 300 hair-filled top. I called her and told
her,
"We
are extremely displeased with your work. Stop coming from tomorrow. Here is
your pay. Please don't ask why."
"Why?
What did I do now", she wailed. It is like women never listen to what I
say. After 3 breakups and 2 false pretences, I still have
not learnt anything that has impressed me enough to modify my modicum of
speech. The Vesuvius inside me erupted with a small bang.
"You
are supposed to wash dishes! But the algae on the dishes have been reproducing
like rabbits. You are supposed to clean all the rooms! You run a random
sequence of which rooms and clean, and then forget to clean them as well. You
are supposed to wash clothes clean! Not dislodge the buttons and buckles off in
the process, helping my teammates watch me saunter in Jockey jatti all day
long! In essential, you are completely deplorable and are as much use as a
wedding ring to a drowning woman!"
I took
a deep breath after this rant. She too took a deep breath and I reflexed into a
pink-belt-patented-chop-left-break-right stance. But she said,
"Ok."
I went
Wow. That's it? I was expecting something along the lines of hell's fury
multiplied by 6.023 times. My stance melted into something else that resembled
a mangled mongoose. My roommates went gawking at me. I milked the adulation,
fluidly moved out of my stance upsetting a bean bag in the process and stepped
into my room, locking the door behind me. It was exhilarating and my adrenalin
went a-pumping.
And
then I remembered.
The
person outside was the cook and not the maid.
