Mar 22, 2008

Benetton Inc.

       It was a white T-Shirt. Pure and virginistic. I simply looked marvelous in it. Without it, even better. But let us not get into the genesis or the implications of the underwritten eleventh wonder of the world. I walked around with an air of handsome-ness and hot-ity. I felt the T-shirt bring out something that only my girlfriend and a few Miss World rejects manage to twitch. In plain Greek, I was in love with my T-shirt.

       Imagine a paling sunset, with the beach shining; golden soft. A couple. Lost in love and in each other's eyes, as they try to look for an answer to the questions that God had somehow forgotten in his huge plan of perpetuating species. Hands held, thoughts locked and lips inviting. The two are oblivious to everything. To even a fully grown grizzly bear, stinking of dead rats and Musharraf's breath, that enters the scene somehow, with a blood- curdling howl that would send microscules of crap running to your bowels. The hairy bear, sprints into the scene, lifts the female and plants a loud, wet, loving kiss on her cheek. Imagine her confusion; her feelings and that of the helpless male as he watches his beloved, handled like an old transistor.


       That was how I felt. As I was pacing my steps towards the mess, in a complex Venusian dance move, hands grew out of nowhere and tugged at my shirt. Dirty, rainbow-colored hands. It was all over in a few seconds. My T-shirt went down in tatters. My soul was damaged beyond any repair and it started blowing a requiem. And that was not all. The same hands bore me up and I started floating in air as the foliage above me, shifted rapidly. Suddenly, sunlight broke out and punctured my eyes. I shielded them and gravity hit me with a sledgehammer. I plummeted six feet. Down. Down.

       Into a tub of colored water. The water was grimy and tasted of chola puri. I rose from the depths, waters cascading down rippling muscles and an angry expression, looking like Clint Eastwood with bad skin problems, as my ears shuddered in pain caused by a shout that even bats will not have a problem hearing..

"HOLI HAI, CHIMPY BOY!"

       From there onwards, it was a Shakespearean tragedy. I was mauled and beaten alive, as I battled my way through the levels. Yes, there were levels. The Tub was Level 1. Level 2 was me being thrown in the air and ejaculating oohs and aahs from the feminine crowd as my pink underwear, made even pinker by the colors, was made public. I was being literally, visibly stripped. And then came Level 3.

       Somehow, everybody got to know that I was not that heavy, in spite of my rather menacing and calm demeanour. Both boys and girls bore me up. By this time, I had swallowed enough water to irrigate the Sahara and all my breath had taken a vacation. I was too tired to struggle. Level 3 hit me full on the face and body parts. It was brown and smelt of damp earth.

       It WAS damp earth. It was a bloody mud pit. I was rolled and rolled on it like a chappati. Suddenly, it was all over and the thudding stopped. There was a new victim. I stood up. Damp, dirty, stinking and my pants in threads. I looked around and saw the new victim being ambushed. I waited to find out the people responsible. They were three of them who were doing this. Instantly, I wanted vengeance. It boiled my blood. The three guys were carrying the poor guy to The Tub. I swiftly scanned the surroundings with my ultra sensory perceptive sight and it came to rest on my poor T- shirt. Seeing the T-Shirt, gave me more strength and an idea. I picked it up and wetted it thoroughly. Then walked purposefully, to the three perpetrators of crime, who were now harassing the poor fellow, drowning him in that insipid water.

       I stood a meter behind and pulled back my T-shirt taut. It was aimed splendidly at the first fellow's backside. I let go. The T-Shirt flew and perfectly flicked his behind. A howl split the air and filled my ears with music. Suddenly, I wished I hadn't done it. The fellow turned, surrounded by the other three. And more behind the three. I gave up.

The process was repeated. Level 1, Level 2 and Level 3.

Again. And again. And again.

Five times. They made sure that Hamam will owe 13% of its business to me.

But, as the proverb goes: When you are getting raped, you might as well enjoy it. And I did. To the fullest extent.

31 comments:

Adorable Pancreas said...

That rape quote, we use for our exams. *sigh*

I take it the T-shirt is dead?

sirpy said...

He.. he.. Yeah, even we used to.. Yeah, the T-shirt is torn and totally unrecognizable.. Remember, I sang a requiem..? :)

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

oh my liver hurts from how much i laffed just imagining you walking around in that shirt...


not to add what else hurts now, after reading the entire post.....

sirpy..... unnakku award dhaan da!

Ziah said...

hehehe... happy holi!!:) They say offense is the best defense... u shud've just worn rags and dirtied everyone else in college..:) Anyways, for what its worth, you can write an obituary to your tee-shirt ans we bloggers shall pay respects..:)

gunj said...

lol!!
man i cant even think of coming out alive from sucha torture!!
d rape quote was kinda noddy but kewl;)

Dang Baby said...

Next time try a sallu look... no T shirts please.. Wish you all the best buddy.

Thanks for the comment. Please let me know what i write is true and not the metacins playing games in my mind. I'm already being targetted with verbal abusefrom some of my friends for this... :-(

Dang Baby said...

Dang baby appreciate time you take off to comment on blog. LOL

Once piece im asking people to read is the Understanding Women series. Could you please evaluate whether my thoughts are right. (If you have a gal and love her.. then its ok not to comment on it) It might get you in trouble.

Dang Baby said...

Sirpy you are wise man.. please continue to visit blog. Tomorrow new special in blog.

Dang Baby said...

Sirpy you are wise man.. please continue to visit blog. Tomorrow new special in blog.

sirpy said...

@vaporising phantasm

Ma'am, me walking in T-shirt is no joke. It is a universal wonder. I repeat, a versatile underwear.

sirpy said...

@ziah

Thank you..!!

Hmm.. I could have.. But an obituary would have done as good as a BSNL connection..

sirpy said...

@gunj

He. He.. I know.. But me no Shakespeare.. :P

sirpy said...

@dang baby

No problem at all, dude.. Keep writing.. And of course I am wise. :D

Chriz said...

hahaha... any girls in the THREE?

Chriz said...

WELL DONE SIRPY.. well scripted.. your class very well stamped thruout the post.. keep going.. one request: make it atleast one post a week...

d SINNER!!! said...

thnx for dropping by....

love and squalor said...

wow, I was smiling till I reached that last line. maybe, I don't have a sense of humor.

Sheks said...

Looked like I was reading Bhagyaraj's script...it initially seemed like a tragedy being inflicted on you and it ended with you calling it fun.

sirpy said...

@chriz

He.. He.. You are demmed clever. One of them was.. And yeah, next post coming up... :)

@love and squalor

I sincerely apologise for that line. It had to be a bit cliched. Didn't find anything else more apt. And nothing is wrong with your guys sense of humour.. :)

@dsinner

No problemo.. And thnx for dropping here too..!!

@shekys

Amazing analogy..!

arshat.chaudhary said...

hahahahaahhhah.........
never ever there is gonna be a better description bout holi..
Btw, white Tshirt, and pink underwear! You are paris hilton!

sirpy said...

@arshat chaudhary

Aaaarrggghhh..!! Why her..??!!! Why not Roddick or somebody else....? Even they wear pink underwear...

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

@sirpy

lol......farshtly...yoos tha kidney (yif yoo haves one)...

Yoo wallaking around (even waltzing) on holi...in a brand new white t-shirt..... you are not only the joke (*points and laughs cause she knows you are going to get raped*).... that too in campus...where evidently such things are bound to happen (*points and laughs again knowing the wise chimp has been ignorant*)....is an absolute crime....you being seen in white t-shirt is a crime according to the law....besides white makes people look fat...totally your color man....

DHIVYA ARASAPPAN said...

funny as always! What an awesome spin on holi!

DHIVYA ARASAPPAN said...

And do I notice a recurring theme with the pink clothes! :)

CM-Chap said...

Ha Ha Ha....
I hope u will hv traces of that colors till next holi

Devil's Advocate said...

ha ha ha... i liked it.. well somehow missed reading it.. might be due to the reason that the post had heavy uses of self formed words and phrases.. but seriously u was gud.. its nearly more then a month after holi nothing happened interesting happened after that? ;-)

Anand - zaphod said...

dumbo, I hate to say it, but I told you so at the mess before u went off to be mauled [:P] - B2B

ray said...

Hi ,

I was reading ur blog posts and found some of them to be wow.. u write well.. Why don't you popularize it more.. ur posts on ur blog ‘Chimp's plaster’ took my particular attention as some of them are interesting topics of mine too;

BTW I help out some ex-IIMA guys who with another batch mate run www.rambhai.com where you can post links to your most loved blog-posts. Rambhai was the chaiwala at IIMA and it is a site where users can themselves share links to blog posts etc and other can find and vote on them. The best make it to the homepage!

This way you can reach out to rambhai readers some of whom could become your ardent fans.. who knows.. :)

Cheers,

Gayatri said...

holy crap! =P

on the bright side, you lived through the experience and shared it with the world. yaay you! =P

posso said...

"When you are getting raped, you might as well enjoy it. And I did. To the fullest extent"

Whoa, Guruji! Only you can :)
Long time no see chimpz? what's happening? busy with MBA, placements and stuff, huh?

Parul said...

i'm sure you enjoyed the anti-climax :P