Dec 2, 2007

Wired and weird

      And finally I have been tagged. It is an honor and I consider it my esteemed blah.. blah.. blah... My emotions surmount vehicles of blah.. blah.. and more blahs... I thank Ziah from the bottom of my blah.. blah.. blah.. Having done all that let me get the facts right. The tag, essentially forced me to list out five, nothing more nothing less, weird stuff about myself, however grouse they are, whatever species of living organism it may concern etc.. etc..
      So I took a paper and pen and sat down to list out five weird facts about myself. I sat and thought and thought. I thought so much that I made Plato and Socrates look like mentally retarded dolts. But nothing fell out of that voluminous, mass of cerebral condominium. I knew I was perfect, but this was taking it too far. I pressed, prodded, poked; did everything within my power. Other than the fact that I managed to dislodge quite a number of hair follicles and increased the surface area of my face, nothing happened. My nerve broke.
      And then I remembered my Mom.
     I was a genius. If there was any person, other than my girlfriend who would know more about the enigma that I am than me, it would be my Mother. I decided to call her up. But before calling, I suddenly went into flashback mode. Accompanied by dull, throbbing music my face faded to reveal a 18 year old Chimp, sitting cross-legged in front of the idiot box in rapt attention while the better half of the manufacturer of this unique product sat by his side, feeding him sambhar rice and lentil curry. He mechanically opened his mouth and shut it at regular intervals, unaware of what went into that gaping, bottomless pit. The reason was obvious.

1. I love Ayesha Takia

      Before getting into the mechanics of why I love Ayesha Takia, let me state a few ground rules that are essential to prove the authenticity of my statements.
a) Ayesha Takia is hot.
b) Ayesha Takia is hot
c) Ayesha Takia is hot.
      Now the mechanics. Well, in effect there aren't any. Most of them are obviously obvious. I involuntarily used to wallow in my own drool the second I saw her on TV. My heart would break long jump records, my nerves- speed records and my hands - my grandfather's old records. The way she moves her hip, the way she smiles, her perfect set of white teeth, her smooth hip, her slender, pudgy fingers, the way she sucks at a Popsicle. I fell hook, line and sinker. I used to fantasize me and her, eating masala dosai and thengai chutney at Saravana Bhavan. My mom stuffed my mouth, as I drooled.

2. I love JETIX

      I was forced to change the channel. I did not want my Mom getting suspicious about my clandestine love life. I liked playing spy. Anyway, I switched to my next favourite one.

JETIX!!!! JETIX!!!! JETIX!!!!

      The second and the third ones are echoes, added for effect. The reason why I loved this usually, ridiculed channel was because, all the series that they telecast were dubbed in Tamil. The dubbing was too hilarious and the storyline even more ridiculous than the translation. I used to laugh both my rear cheeks off. My mom thought otherwise and took me to a psychiatrist. She was in for a shock. The psychiatrist loved Jetix. There you go. Now that you have professional reassurance; I bideth thee, the multitudes, to go watcheth Jetix and spreadeth the word to all the four corners of the Earth aplenty. And let be there be power rangers, forever..!

3. Old women tickle my libido

      Yup. I will stop here. I am not elaborating any further. I don't want my Mom blundering her way here and finding out the reason why her son went out with his 69-year old neighbor for frequent walks of 0.3 kilometers, everyday.

4. I am a hard core, heartless, ruthless, spineless, lochness torturer

      I continued eating, still changing channels when this missile landed on my thigh. It had immediately penetrated deep, on landing and was meticulously sucking. I waited as my master had taught me. He was the perfect assassin, when he was in his prime. He told me how the villain bends his proboscis and slowly inserts it into the skin. Ignorant people blindly swat. Actually, you have to wait. Once the villain has his proboscis stuck inside, he cannot escape. And then you slap your thigh and yell in pain. But success is guaranteed. I was. I caught the struggling mosquito and held it to the light examining it.
      It struggled. My eyes glinted with glee. Yup. I did it. I first tore out its legs, one by one. Then its belly and squeezed it to release my blood. I finally crushed the head.
      I am ruthless. When it comes to mosquitoes, that is.

5. The bane of humankind

      And then I puked. My mom looked at me guiltily. I stared at her for some time and then at the plate, where the hot rice was swimming in sambhar. Finally, I saw them. In numbers, beyond the scope of counting, even by an i-Calculator. My Mom sweetly apologized, saying that her hand slipped. Otherwise there would not have been so many. I felt sorry and kissed her. I gave it another look and puked all over again.
      Mustard screws me up.

    Flashback over, I called up my Mom. I talked for an hour, reminiscing about her feeding me. I wanted her to feed me again.
    She called me a weirdo. The irony of it all.

48 comments:

arshat.chaudhary said...

yuck..puke....puke........
Man!..Old women, Jetix and puke...
I have no idea why u r on my blogroll!!

Loved it mate..:)

DHIVYA ARASAPPAN said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DHIVYA ARASAPPAN said...

Mustard, old women and Power rangers... you ARE weird! But why is liking Ayesha Takia considered weird??

Nice post! :)

sirpy said...

@arshat.chaudhary

Same here. I have no idea why you are not on my blogroll. :)

sirpy said...

@dhivya arasappan

Very well. Let me put this way. I personally think Aishwarya Rai, Kareena Kapoor and Rani Mukherji are a hag, an ogress and a housemaid in any order.

Tys on Ice said...

anyone who tortures mosquitoes is a force to reckon with...u r dangerously weird...ever since u told tht u r jetix fan, i hve called the fbi to keep a watch on u...we need to safe guard our older population ...

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

sigh.... I only wish there were more of you on planet earth...

hazardous, but oh, the entertainment is worth it......trust me.........


and.....liking Ayesha Takia is NOT weird...

The rest of course is best left unsaid.....

great post !

I most definitely know WHY you are on my blogroll!!!

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

by the by......2 koschins....

1. Yisnt this a tag post?

2. yif Yes, arent you supposed to tag udder peepals???

and one more koschins

3. why you did not tag udder peepals if you knows this be a tag post and you have to tag udder peepals...

oktatabyebye

Seenivasan said...

cool. especially 3 & 4.

enjoyed it. :)

DHIVYA ARASAPPAN said...

Well I have to agree, at least bout Aishwarya and Kareena. But poor Rani, her and her permanent sour throat voice are not so bad.

And like Vaporizing Phantasm said, aren't you supposed to tag ppl?

DHIVYA ARASAPPAN said...

oops... I meant sore. Excuse the spelling :)

Drama Div@ said...

Hands down the most hilarious thing I've ever read this morning, seriously!

Curious said...

I love Jetix too... Actually Any cartoon or english movies translated in Tamil!!! Seriosuly hilarious!!! :D

Older women..I will never really understand the attraction of this kind!!!

And Even if i undertsand ur Older women thingy...Ayesha Takia... :O :O
Enuf said!!!! or Should say "loosapa nee?"

PurpleHeart said...

You have strong convictions as to why you happen to be weird ! And for the unexplained, it was better that way :)

Ziah said...

Hahahahah... Ok Sirpy. Here's the deal...
1. I asked to you list SEVEN weird episodes. Tho I must admit your 5 are quite hilarious!! Lazy bum!
2. Your babe SURELY does not read your blogs.. else she'd be your EX by now, no?
3.And if she does, either your shit rich or u have a very promising future... or ur really good in making up to her!
4. Are you really a momma's boy?

:-)

crazyBugga said...

how many legs does a mosqito have? And was it that big that u crushed its' head, stomach, gall bladder, et al seperately. Its either that or that u have really puny fingers.

sirpy said...

@tys on ice

Dont worry... I am right now on a sabbatical If ever the fbi raid my house, they ll only find a young, handsome man, pottering around old plants. ;)

sirpy said...

@vaporising phantasm

Thank you, thank you, thank you..!! Btw,

1. Thish ISh a tag post. But it ish moi taggy posht.

2. Yuppy, I am shupposed to. Lashiness shurrounded moi vaitals ihn the end.

3. Reason 1,2.

sirpy said...

@seenivasan

Thank you, dude..!! Keep dropping by..:)

sirpy said...

@dhivya arasappan

Oh, Dhivya... Rani Mukherjee has enough kajal in her eyes to paint the Sistine Chapel in black. Imagine her without it.. She would probably kill Medusa.

And as to vaporising phantasm, refer immediately the one above the one above.

sirpy said...

@dhivya

Excused.

sirpy said...

@drama div@

Thanks a ton..!! Viva la diva..!!

(My French prowess is amazing. Ha.)

sirpy said...

@curious

Yaaay..!! Atleast one more person likes Jetix...!! My kid sister hates it when I watch Jetix. She cannot understand why I watch such a useless piece of crappy SFX and stunts.

And she is only ten.

For the rest.. Yup, the more brainier you get, the more eccentric you are... :D

sirpy said...

@purpleheart

Gee... Thanks.. I seriously did give lots of thought to... eh what..??

sirpy said...

@ziah

I dont accept the deal. :P

sirpy said...

@crazybugga

Apparently you know very little about mosquito morphology. So let me explain. The mosquito is usually a nocturnal, egg laying parasite. It has six legs. If you half kill a mosquito you can catch it by its wings and view the following,

1) Six legs
2) Body
3) Head with multiple eyes
4) A proboscis.

Then @#$#%^>>>>@#$@#$!@. Seconds later, it is an expired mosquito.

Ponnarasi Kothandaraman said...

Hahaha.. Tags are always interesting to read! :)

Adorable Pancreas said...

What do Ayesha Takia and old women have in common?

Santosh said...

had it been rakhi sawant instead of aysha takia than it would been weird.

Loving old women of aged "69" is surely weird for a guy who loves jetix.

Prats said...

came here from ziah's blog...and sure did find this a great one....Ayesha?? I never understood when the better half of mine, drooled over...now maybe I can better understand him...
And jetis...living with 2 jetix fans...and the father who spies on the same channel after they sleep....I have nothing to say...nooo...

Compassion Unlimitted said...

super duper post..wish you posted Ayeshas pic next to the chimp!!
TC
CU

DHIVYA ARASAPPAN said...

I'm not sure of blogging etiquette- but I think I'm required to tell you that I blogrolled you! :)

Ziah said...

Updaaaaaaaate! :)

adam brown said...

Hi, this is not so related to your page, but it is the site you asked me 1 month ago about the abs diet. I tried it, worked well. Well here is the site

Santosh said...

Happy new year to u..BTW are you still partying somewhere or yet to overcome the hang over some wake up buddy!!

atomicgitten said...

Yay! A jetix fan!
And torturing a mosquito isn't a crime it's a duty. And you just tak pleasure in doing your duty :D.

Adorable Pancreas said...

Where are you hiding?

quetzalcoatl said...

hey...i love ayesha takia too....
& not very old...but MILFs....

Gayatri said...

Ayesha Takia huh, so you like the innocent sweet face types!

And thumbs up with the mosquitoes, continue the torture fest, you have my blessings. =P

CM-Chap said...

Defntly ur weird.. ha ha wat else u expect whn ur list has got..Jetix, Old women...

DHIVYA ARASAPPAN said...

No updates?

Compassion Unlimitted said...

இனிய பொங்கல் வாழ்த்துக்கள்
TC
CU

coolpics said...

hi...nice blog.shall v exchange link backs..
http://coolpics-spotlight.blogspot.com

Rathnakanthi said...

Allo saar!
I yam waiting paar yuwor blaag. pleease do right anather wun.

Parul said...

Jetix ...uggg!!

i am ready to hit my brother each time he halts at this one for more than 3 seconds while surfing chaneels.

!!!

sirpy said...

@ponnarasi:

He.. He.. Sure.. Thank You..!

@Adorable Pancreas:

Hmmm.. I thought it was me..

@santooh:

CLever of you to have guessed.. Here's a Cadbury's wrapper for you... :P

@prats:

Sometimes, even men are not understandable, eh...?

@compassion unlimited:

You wish.. And thanks.. :D

@dhivya arasappan:

Thank you, Ma'am...!! You are going on mine too... :)

@ziah:

Doooonnneee..!!

@santosh:

No.. it was a hangover from a damned booze party..

@atomicgitten:

Yes. Duty, honour and sacrifice. The watchwords of Chimp the great.

@atomicgitten:

:D

@gayatri:

But Ayesha Takia deserves atleast one fan, na..? Poor female..

@cm-chap:

:D

@compaassion unlimited:

Thank you..!! A little too belated, though..

@rathnakanthi:

Done, my love... :D

@parul

My Mom used to do the same. And then she got hooked too...!!!

Devil's Advocate said...

yoho!!! each and every part was just lovable.. u hav a writing sense of alluring people to read more.. or is it that I am left with a hell lot of time these days to read blogs.. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi there

Great share, thanks for your time