Oct 4, 2007

Faux Pas

        I strode as calmly as I could to the door and slowly opened it. The second I opened it, my feet pedaled swiftly, into a run. I ran like my life depended on it. And it sort of did. Seconds later, the doors opened again and people spilled out in a rush, yelling with wrath and pure, unbridled anger, brandishing ink pens, pencil sharpeners, rulers, case materials, banana peels, tumblers, hair clips, used condoms, chappals with and without heels, laptop adapters and even a bucket of cold water. In pursuit, of the one person responsible for everything.

        Me.

     In my defense, I swear on every god of the Norse mythology, that I never intended to, in the first place. It was a chocolate wrapper. Trust me. In the most unlikely case, that you don't, here it is how it was a chocolate wrapper.

23 hours 10 minutes ago:

      My room fan was spewing out guttural noises and wind in equal proportions. I was having a rather weird nightmare where, me and my girlfriend were in a boxing match, with two bulky, grotesque ogres, who bore uncanny resemblances to my future in-laws. I peered closely trying to figure out who they were and completely missed the roundhouse punch that came out of nowhere and dislodged half my dental assets on it's way. I howled like a wounded buffalo and swore long and loud. My wife jumped into the ring and promptly handed me a mirror. I, like the proverbial born idiot, looked into it and a shock worth 24,000V instantly passed through me, as I tried to give a toothless yellow grin.
     I woke up sweating. "Whew!" I said, after the same old, boring things that people usually say when they have a ruddy nightmare and crawled out of the bed, groggily. I was hungry and wanted to munch something, urgently. I blindly felt my way to the pantry, blindly felt and took out a Cadburys bar, blindly tore open the wrapper and blindly slept off. The Cadbury's bar slipped onto the floor along with the wrapper, uneaten and it lay there.
     The next day, I woke up and dressed hurriedly in a shirt and a pair of brown trousers that were lying there on the floor. I ran out of my room with my bag, having forgotten to put on my underwear, noticed it halfway through, went back again to do it, almost did, deliberated for quite a long time weighing the options of getting publicly exposed, finally decided against it, blamed the damned heat and bolted for class.
      Class went on normally; read absolutely boring and as usual I imitated a perfect dork to the bone. Until then. It all happened in the last five minutes of the last period. Everybody was quite exhausted and desperately wanted the hour to get over. And suddenly, like Venus, my hand rose.
      I rue the action now, as I nurse my broken bones and black bruises. It was all because of that chocolate bar and its wrapper. If I had eaten it, the local ant army would not have come to devour it. If they had not come, a stray, vagabond ant would not have tried the Indiana Jones act and started exploring my clothes. If it had not climbed up into my shirt, it would not have bit my upper arm and I, for all the rotten, damned, luck in the world, would not have been forced to put my hand up, involuntarily. In pain, of course.
      The class went silent. I could hear a mosquito, farting. The professor looked at me in disbelief and I looked back in horror. I had to ask a doubt. It was the cardinal rule and having raised my hand, there was no turning back. I rummaged through the dull, grey mass of matter rotting away within my skull, pulled out a question that in every sense, made absolute nonsense and lobbied it at him, hoping for a miracle.
      Nope. God was royally pissed with me. Of all the luck, it so happened that it was the professor's favorite area and he launched into one of the longest lectures that went on, for what looked like many days. Seasons changed. Britney's daughter eloped with my son. Agarkar had bowled a maiden over. And Bush mysteriously disappeared into the African jungle. Anyway, by the time the professor finished, my section mates' hunger had abated. But something else had taken it's place. Something that made them flex their muscles. Something that would make me invoke my health insurance. Something bad.

78 seconds later:

Which is why, I am running now.

30 comments:

Santosh said...

Ha ha ha... A chocolate bar can screw your happiness. Never knew that.

if by any chance you had a open zip on that day?

Mr.X said...

the ants are alive?

Mr.X said...

good that it was the shirt and not the pants...

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

I could hear the mosquito, farting

THIS is why I like your writing....cause you don't use the regular expressions.

Brilliant post.

Since you know how it feels, take one lesson...actually take two lessons from me. 1.Never hang your underwear to dry anywhere close to a mango tree. The Mango flowers pollen that will fall on it will attract ants, and ants in your underwear in the last thing you want. Believe me! Been there, done that!!!!!

Lesson no 2. ALWAYS vodharify clothes before you wear them. Once there was a millepede sitting in my shirt and it got squished...*yuck*...but yes....always.... hold edges....flip flip flip...and be safe. :)

oh and complimentary suggestion with 2 lessons from me...When you want to wear a particular piece of clothing...look at it....if it looks clean, smell it....if it smells clean, wear it :)

Once again,very well written post.

I yam becoming your table fan :)

S said...

rotflmao. really, i can't get more eloquent than that in the state i'm in. =))

Zee said...

hahahahaha!!! hostels........ friend of mine too had clothes infested with ants......will leave him to tell the story..... :)

vigneswaralu pandurangan said...

lolz.. man... its been long since i read anything this humorous... :) gr8 post...

posso said...

rotfl
@Chimp
Run Lola, Run!
@the ants: geddawn nexshht time ;) so dat we can hear sumthng more humorous :))

Navneet said...

nice one...brings back memories of not so long ago when i'd be dozing in class till the last moment and ask a doubt right when the prof was leaving....
and boy were they pissed :P

nice moral too: always eat your chocolates, you never know what kinda soup you might be into :P (yea i know i'm funny)

arshat.chaudhary said...

ROTFL
hahahaha
sahi post mate...I guess this is probaably ur best post...
Agarkar had bowled a maiden..hahahaha
:)
keep it up!

crazyBugga said...

britney's daughter a? what? with that bald head u think anyone wil make love to her? [:)]

arshat.chaudhary said...

hahaha...
Britney's daughter eloped with my son..where did u get tht frm?


http://thetimepassofindia.blogspot.com/

sirpy said...

@santosh

If I had an open zip that day, my maanam would have crossed seven seas and climbed seven peaks..

sirpy said...

@mr.x

Of course not.. I made chutney out of it.. Now go call the SPCA.

sirpy said...

@vaporizing phantasm

Lessons taken and assimilated, professor. And thanks a million.. :) You can be my table fan and my ceiling fan as well..

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

wokay ceiling fan also ya!

sirpy said...

@s

My Math sir used to say the same thing after giving me a loud whack..

sirpy said...

@zee

Yup.. Worse things happen.. Like one, a couple of dogs ran off with my friend's clean linen.. Poor fellow.. Had to go internally unclad for a week, before his dignity was restored..

sirpy said...

@vigneswaralu pandurangan

Thanks man.. and hope I've spelt your name correctly.. i am a bit nomenclaturely misaligned..

sirpy said...

@posso
Nope.. I wont allow early family planning.. Dont worry.. I am being extra careful..

sirpy said...

@navneet

he... he.. I know..

sirpy said...

@arshat chaudhary

thanks a ton, dude.. :D

sirpy said...

@crazybugga

Don't you dare talk bad about bald heads (sex not applicable)..

sirpy said...

@vaporizing phantasm

I very badly want to know who you are... How come you know about me...?
Who told anything about me to you...?

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

@sirpy

a little birdy did :) a little birdy from A did! :)

yes, use DBab to find out!

Ziah said...

Ha ha ha... nice one:) The boxing match was priceless...:)I quite like your blog...keep writing!:)

Z!

http://tellintalltales.blogspot.com/
http://asliceoflime.blogspot.com/

sirpy said...

@vaporising phatasm

Dbab aa...? Ayyo.. this is agony..

sirpy said...

@ziah

Thanks..:D And thanks for dropping by my blog..

Gayatri said...

hahahaha.. lesson learnt.. consume chocolate 10 seconds after exposure to human touch.. =P

sirpy said...

@gayatri

Bulls-eye woman..!