Oct 24, 2007

The Zound Of Muzic

       The zimpleness of it all zuggezted an ill-concealed notion of complacence. I admired her. She was very careful and decidedly clever. Amidst the background sounds of a semi-nude female, tearing out her lungs exprezzing her undying love, she had almost disguised it. But I knew and gave her a patronizing smile. She smiled back confusingly. I patted her hand and murmured, "I know, my dear. Don't worry, I wont tell anyone". I whipped out my handkerchief and inconzpicuouzly blocked my nazal apertures, just to show her that I meant what I zaid.

       She turned, apparently befuddled and continued to watch the movie. But I knew. Let me take you through my inferential procezz.

Step 1:
It was Pungin who suggested that we go for a movie. Me, Dorky, and Saastha unzuccezzfully objected, vehemently. She stood on her nut and refused to budge. She even gave us a lewd wink and that apparently did the damage. Dorky keeled over, like a pile of uneaten dog biscuits and it was three against one. Saastha was smitten by Dorky, you see.

Step 2:
It was Pungin again, who pranced out of the auto, her co-ordinates set on a decrepit pani-puri stall that seemed to be constructed out of broomsticks and smelt like the Coovum; only worse. The shop owner looked greasy as did his nails. My masticated lunch roze to my throat, which I zupprezzed with a cough, a hiccough and a hiccup.

Step 3:
Me, Saastha, a group of gawking locals and a rabid dog watched Pungin and Dorky polish off puri after puri after puri. I could hear Dorky's pant buckles trying to zwear and groan at the same time. Pungin was wearing zynthetic zweat pantz and they must have been quite flexible to accomodate her cud.

Step 4:
The zecond we entered the multiplex, Sastha and Pungin suddenly disappeared and reappeared ten minutes later, looking a bit too flushed and relieved for comfort. My grey zells kicked my brain's butt and both of them started their ruminations.

Step 5:
My Biology Sir's credentials, when he taught me the mechanizms of the lower abdomen were pretty good. In spite of the fact that his daughter eloped with his cook instead of his driver. Consequentially, I had to shell out fifty rupeez having lost the bet.

Step 6:
The primary goal of every hand-driven cartwallah in Ahmedabad, is to add potatoes to everything that they coddle and are mostly the banes of the human inteztine.

Step 7:
The movie began. I was sitting in between Saastha and Pungin. Dorky was on the other side of Saastha and znored through most of the movie. Pungin occasionally squirmed in her seat, at regular intervals. My doubt train chugged away.

       Zeconds before the interval, I heard it. It was very muffled. But my ears, as my ENT zpecializt would say, were too good and instantly picked up the sonic waves. Burnt cotton fumes, pervaded the circumference of my body's circle of authority.

       It was a fart.

       A shrewdly released fart at that. It did not take me long to add 1 and 1 and come up with 84.72. It had to be Pungin. I turned and smiled at her, assuring her. She waz a bit miffed, that I knew her secret. But nevertheless, once again Chimp had proved his mettle and he gave himself a well-deserved pat.
     An hour later, we were travelling in the auto back to the institute. Being the youngest and the smallezt, I was forced to perch myself on Pungin while Dorky travelled, snoring on Saastha's shoulder. The wind froze my vitals and I pulled myself closer, with Saastha's cotton dupatta. Cotton dupatta?? Lightning burnt my neuronz and instantly everything fell in place. Saastha was wearing a cotton salwar. She did not eat the pani-puri because she had eaten at the mess. The menu had aloo mutter today.
      I slapped my forehead and curzed. I had been blind and foolish. It was not too late now. I squeezed Saastha's hand, told her I knew, muttered a zorry to Pungin who by now had decided that I was a potential threat to the sane community while I gave myself the selfsame well-deserved pat. Elation filled my innards. Chimp's deductionz are never questioned. Never.

       And then, Dorky farted in his sleep.

27 comments:

Santosh said...

lol, that waz a funny one. i had to read the thing twice just to make zure that i have got the cast and story right.

this one proves your innocence. i am sure you will surely go on and sorry to people for your mistakes!! :)

vigneswaralu pandurangan said...

first honey bee n now you ;).. yucky yucky people...

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

I'm getting doubts Sirpy.

For all I know, you might have farted and be covering it up with this story.

Poor Dorky, he was sleeping. Prolly he dint fart...

I am Hmmmmmmming

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

CM-Chap said...

Ha Ha... Zurely funny. I read it twice to understand fully.

Poor Dorky...

Navneet said...

eventful sherlock time you've had amidst some friends...more so because you've lived to tell the tale...

make sure you control your own urges..life has a bad habit of ganging up on everyone at sometime or the other....too bad it would be if it happened amidst a crowd :P

love and squalor said...

what's with the irritating mallu accent?
aww, someone was tryin to camouflage their pungent farting story with a dorky lil accent?

Shivoham said...

zuper...awezome...but dint understnd the 'zzz' factor... wud be nize if u plzz xzplain.

Thank u sirpy

Chief Bruts
www.U2B.in

Adorable Pancreas said...

Happens to me too. I meant the guessing part.

sirpy said...

@all

A Disclaimer: It is not a fake Mallu accent. I repeat, it is NOT a FAKE mallu ACCENT. It is a fake german accent, developed by me to substantiate the fact that I have stated that I know to read and write German in my CV.

I, obviously, do not.

sirpy said...

@santosh

Good observation. I am definitely innocent. MMMMUHAHAHA..!

@vigneswaralu pandurangan

Blasphemy..!! Me coming after you with a sawed off shotgun. Yucky? Urgh.

@vaporizing phantasm

It wont take you anywhere, anyway. The truth lies naked, bare, nude, unclothed and written by a very truthful, honest and sincere homo sapien. :D

sirpy said...

@cm chap

Dorky is poor. That idiot led us to all this confusion. Btw, you ve officially earned yourself a free coupon of induction into the German non-speaking club. Velcom..!!

@navneet

Ah.. You are so gullible. If it happens in a crowd it is better na..?

1. The fragrance disappears soon as we have more than one nose inhaling, and..

2. The best part, you can blame it on anybody...!

sirpy said...

@love and squalor

Refer to disclaimer above. And mallu accents are decidedly funny sometimes.. Btw, if it was me, I have written the Agatha Christie story of the Year. :D

@brutus

I have explained. Refer to disclaimer above. I thought it was pretty obvious... Boo Hoo.

sirpy said...

@adorable pancreas

Oh, come on semi-doc.. You can have the source pinned down in seconds flat with your ultra-sensory perception honed by your doctoral skill development set.. Me.. I am inept. :P

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

Sirpy...

Now that statement is making my doubts search for a deeper meaning :-/

*sighs*

Here's a poem for you,

There's Squeaky ones and rumbly ones
That quiver in ure belly
The noisy blasts never last
Tis the quiet ones that are smelly
Some may be musical
With a sound like a drum
Hot ones must be handled with care
For they can scorch your bum
While some may be potent, others may be small
But i've heard that one of yours Can clear the albert hall

DHIVYA ARASAPPAN said...

Good one. It was a very funny read though it looks like you do need to work on your detective skills a lil more! :)

sirpy said...

@vaporising phantasm:

Oh, Pardon me for being so rude,
It was not me it was my food,
But if it had not passed my heart,
It would have ended up as a fart. :D

sirpy said...

@dhivya arasappan

Yeah, I know Dhivya. Am working out the creases on it. Have to redeem myself many a time..

And tx for dropping by.. :)

Navneet said...

hey i need your email...shall write and explain.
so please either leave a comment on my blog or mail me at nvasistha@gmail.com

thanks

Tys on Ice said...

u know something? iam shocked beyond belief...all this while i thought girls dont fart, that they only burp , tht too, very delicately...

go away...i need to lie down...

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

Sirpy....


Sometimes i like to say
Especially today
We all are human and we fart
we all eat food that passes the heart
But fart if you must oh-so-soon
I suggest you do it in your room
Or in somplace no one will smell
so that you've farted no can tell

Ziah said...

Two questions:
1) Did the she-friends u suspected read this blog?
2) If yes, do they even talk to you anymore????

:-)

CM-Chap said...

Ho Thanks. May be now, I shd also add in my CV that I know Zerman.. chi... German

sirpy said...

@vaporising phantasm

Congratulations..!! We have both successfully managed to make this blog stink beyond redemption...!!

@ziah

Good questions. My body prohibits me from divulging any information that might affect its dignity in any way. :P

@cm-chap

That s cool dude. We are the Zerman buddiez.Yeah..

sirpy said...

@tys-on-ice

Oh, come on. Girls fart. Ladies dont. And apparently, all girls arent ladies and vice versa.

Now, I am irrevocably confused.

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

You bet we have :)

Chriz said...

what if the fart had colour sprays to accompany it with.. it wud be easy to identify them.. hehe.. hey been a while maaamo.. arumai mikkai arumai(konjam naatram irundhadhu). but the flow was gud..( i meant the writing flow).. do hop down to my latest post

Somasundaram said...

Loosu dog... thala valikkudhu...